My Life on the Run

There I was, cruising down the Allen Road en route home from my Sunday morning washed up women's ice hockey game. Windows down, radio up, belting out Coldplay's hit single "Green Eyes," I didn't even notice the increasing pressure I was exerting on the gas pedal as I relived my glory years as female athlete at a research-focused Canadian University. My hair would have been dancing gracefully in the wind had I not been so sweaty.
And I came here with a loooooaddddd, and it feels so much- Oh no! What's this up ahead? A convoy of police cars?!
SLAM ON BREAKS AND TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM CASUAL, WINDOWS UP, RADIO DOWN, PLEASE BE TOO BUSY RUINING SOMEONE ELSE'S DAY TO NOTICE MY TRANSGRESSION x3.
Are they beckoning me over? They couldn't possibly be motioning at me, is it, no, wait... Shit. It's me.
Radio off.

**While I've got you at the pinnacle of suspense, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you that against all odds I have fallen in love with my mother's puppy and am currently attempting to feed her. But she is for some reason terrified of her food bowl and barks wildly at it. She creeps up towards it as if about to pounce, but ultimately cannot overcome her fear of open-topped silver semi circles that read FOOD in the age-old font, Comic Sans Bold. She works herself into an absolute puppy frenzy and I have to actually scatter her little brown poo-pebbles of food (which she eats everyday for breakfast, lunch and dinner) across the floor before she can work up the courage to eat the meal that was literally given to her on a silver platter. My doubts of her ability to survive in the wild are further confirmed each time we pick up her shit in tacky red bags decorated with little pink hearts.**

An apologetic policeman approaches my car window and shows me the radar. "You're ruined," it said, in capital red letters. Ok, it didn't actually- but it might as well have. And I didn't have my driver's licence. And I wasn't wearing a bra. I stepped out of my (my dad's) car, arms folded awkwardly in front of my chest, and walked over to his. The power imbalance in our newfound relationship has quickly become explicitly clear. I made a really lame joke as we walked over, and he was nice enough to laugh, which I appreciated.
"How bad is this?" I asked the man in authoritative uniform, who I desperately hoped was in a good mood and/or was a big fan of women's athletics and the residual smell of hockey gloves before I get the chance to wash my hands 7 times with soap.
"Shhhhhh," he whispered, "don't say anything, but we can fix this."
WHO IS THIS MAN AND HOW DID HE BECOME SO OMNIPOTENT??!?!
... and while we're on the topic, how do I become omnipotent? or even just semi-potent?

In a flash, during which time he did absolutely nothing, he had NOT deducted 4 demerit points from my finite and, as of yet, untapped supply, NOR had he charged me 220 dollars. Do you know how many blogs I'd have to write to make 220 dollars? Instead, he gave me a ticket for not having my license (continually spell that word wrong) and told me that if I go to court my chances are 99% that they "drop the charges," and "my record stays clean."

Bewildered, I slung my satchel full of space for potential demerit points over my shoulder, and with one arm still awkwardly folded across my chest in an incredibly unnatural seeming manner, I made the walk of shame back to my vehicle.
I hope it's not a bad idea to publicize my experience dodging the harsh hand of lady (?) justice on the internet. Am I still allowed to be prosecuted for my heinous crime, or could this fall under the category of double jeopardy? What's double jeopardy? Let's just keep this between you and me, K?

As I drove home, careful to obey the bolded demands of the metal rectangles someone attached to poles one day, I wondered- have I learned my lesson?
Green eyes.....
Who was that man who giveth and taketh away, and what kind of mind games just went on out there to leave me ecstatic at a $110 ticket, pending my willingness to jump through the hoops of my local house of justice?
you're the one who, something something.....
Is it a waste of water to flush the toilet if it's just a pee, and why bother to go through the formalities of a pant suit in court if everyone knows they're just gonna say "lol, nvm!"
lalalalalala green eyes....
What am I going to do next year, and where would I like to raise a family? Should I write my LSATs?