If it hasn't already been made painfully, laughably, and obnoxiously evident by the existential angst just oozing out of this otherwise thematically-undeclared blog, being out of school for the first time in 18 years has been.... kinda weird. The dissolution of a clearly defined quantification of success has been disorienting to say the least, as has the abrupt dead end in a sequence of well-tread "next-steps" that once unfolded so naturally before me. And while Robert Frost may not have been caught dead on so smoothly paved a road, all my friends were always around, and that was really nice too. As it stands, I'm now cursing globalization from the rooftops for snatching up so many people I love and scattering them all around the planet; which, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I'm still pretty sure I think of as flat--the Earth that is, not globalization or my friends. Probably because I don't actually understand any of the evidence. Well maybe not flat, but definitely not spherical because there is no way I can think about that without picturing the people and animals of Antarctica living upside down. Shit--overwhelmed. I am happy for my friends though. Most of the time.
Segue (should be spelled 'segway,' no?): Over the past few days I've been reflecting a lot on life in Toronto since returning from India mid-August. Probably because it's been raining a lot lately, and I have some subconscious notion that forcing pathetic fallacy upon my own life is more than just pathetic. A fallacy as that may be (budum bum ching!), I really have been doing some thinking and one thing that stands out from within the tumult of this absurd indiscrete period of my life is a growing awareness of a discrepancy between "my" intellect and "my" emotions. With disappointing regularity, I often find myself feeling in ways that "go against everything I believe in." Now, I'm trying really hard not to lose my temper on myself, but I think (hope) you can see how such an experience at such alarming frequencies can really wear on a gal's patience.
Allow me to illustrate with some examples:
OK then.
I LOVE YOU
PS sorry for the pathetic fallacy pun, I realize it was pretty lame.
Segue (should be spelled 'segway,' no?): Over the past few days I've been reflecting a lot on life in Toronto since returning from India mid-August. Probably because it's been raining a lot lately, and I have some subconscious notion that forcing pathetic fallacy upon my own life is more than just pathetic. A fallacy as that may be (budum bum ching!), I really have been doing some thinking and one thing that stands out from within the tumult of this absurd indiscrete period of my life is a growing awareness of a discrepancy between "my" intellect and "my" emotions. With disappointing regularity, I often find myself feeling in ways that "go against everything I believe in." Now, I'm trying really hard not to lose my temper on myself, but I think (hope) you can see how such an experience at such alarming frequencies can really wear on a gal's patience.
Allow me to illustrate with some examples:
- Feeling: "I'm bored"
Brain: "What the hell do you mean bored?! With the incomprehensible beauty of oneness palpably radiating all around you, how could you possibly be bored? Infinity is right at your fingertips, at the very least you should be able to just exist in a constant state of awe and wonder!!" - Feeling: "Ugh I wish I could just figure out my exact schedule for this week"
Brain: "How dare you?! You know the uncertainty principle is my favorite part of science! Where is your humility? I can't believe you'd have the audacity to want to know, control, and predict everything about your environment, rather than just let go and allow the universe to unfold in its perfection. You should be laughing, not stressing, you idiot." - Feeling: "I'm never gonna understand this/get how this works/be able to do this perfectly"
Brain: No you probably won't, nor should that be your goal! Instead, you should embrace your humanity, do your best, cultivate patience, compassion, and gentleness for yourself, and not be so freaking goal-oriented. Uch you exhaust me.
The list goes on an on-- becoming most easily frustrated and hostile with the people closest and most committed to me, getting offended when a homeless lady didn't want the untouched cream of broccoli soup I offered her the other day, becoming absolutely furious by just missing the bus even though I'm not running late for anything, an inability to accept that the Earth is a sphere...
Hilariously/horrendously, and probably the greatest (?) example of this infuriating discrepancy between my mind and my emotions, is that ALTHOUGH EMOTIONALLY THIS GAP DRIVES NUTS, I DON'T EVEN INTELLECTUALLY BELIEVE IN THE DICHOTOMY!!!!
**What? Oh, I'm sorry. I just blacked out from over stimulation**
This blog, clearly, will not wrap up with a nice little bow symbolizing some conclusion I've extracted from the abstract and applied in such an intangible way that even I'll be lucky to ever actually internalize it (ouch. mega-burn to myself. sorta, i'm actually kind of in a weird way fine with it).
Instead, my feelings will plea for your emotional support and assurance that I'm not alone, and feel relieved at having even just expressed this. Simultaneously, my brain will survey you for knowledge about how to bridge a duality that it doesn't actually even believe exists. The entity that was able to apply the "my" to both the feelings and the brain... well, I don't really know about that one. Or any of them. Shit, I'm all tangled up in invented fragments of myself now. (Brain: obviously!)
OK then.
I LOVE YOU
PS sorry for the pathetic fallacy pun, I realize it was pretty lame.
Eiiiii *deep exhale.
ReplyDeleteWell you're not alone. Thanks for being around to experience this with me similarly and within the same frame of reference/time frame.
When I read this earlier today I was reminded of the first time period I really experienced the "it's all one!" sentiment and phenomena. The one that would go crazy but could at the end of the thought circle/focus adjustment laugh at the end of it. I feel like you've had this experience too. Do you recall it? Is this just the other end of the duality experience?
.........
I just got self conscious about someone reading this comment and coming to the conclusion that I'm a little unstable.... :) whatever!
Cheers to this (what I hope is) an "absurd indiscreet period of (our) lives."
I've had this kicking around to send to you for a while...
i beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer...
ok love you too :)
ugh i know.
ReplyDeleteyou're doing great pal.
cheers to second rate reality...the one we have to live in because we cant function in the real one because there is no room/purpose for us there because we'd stop existing. or at least thats what i have concluded. (yes, i did read the above post and take the cheers thing from there.)
love you too (that, i was going to do anyway/s)
i think your over thinking it
ReplyDeletebut, maybe im guilty of underthinking because i didn't get the "fallacy" pun
but that could be because in the past two nights i have collected a net total of 8 hours of sleep.
ha how funny is it when your brain goes "ugh you are so exhausting!" and then your like, "oh my god brian, i know im soooo sorry, but there is nothing i can do about it" and then the brain's like "uh..there's plenty you can do about dummy, YOU CONTROL ME, it aint the other way around" and then your like "oh..."
HAAH i wrote brian instead of brain. ha
ReplyDelete